Secrets of the Dork

• I still sometimes zip up my pants in such a hurry that I get my shirt stuck in them.
• I sometimes shove money in my front pocket that (yes mother I know) should go into my wallet, which means when I have to go to the bathroom, the potential for dollar bills to rain to the tile floor allows me to recreate that strip club feeling at the office. Yuck.
• I have walked around with one hem undone on my pants all day.
• I am scared of the dark, dark -- especially in unfamiliar places.
• I will not sleep until the mosquito is dead.
• I have a doctorate in sideline coaching and an associate degree in backseat driving.
• Things that smell like orange cleaning supplies make me want to vomit. They remind me of the cleaner they would use on the bus when somebody you know, vomited. I say this a lot. I cannot over emphasize my unhappiness with orange smelling cleaner.
• I think eating banana with milky sweet tea is better than cookies and milk.
• The very best ice cream is coffee flavoured ice cream, in a ramekin, in bed, alone.
• My peripheral vision is so bad, I will not wear sunglasses as much as I should despite my fear of wrinkles and blindness. I am working on it.
• I wear my headphones too loud in public, even though I find this a dangerous and disdainful practice. (I don't mean to wear it so loud other people can hear, regardless, if it's so loud that you're losing self awareness, it's too loud.)
• I think empire waisted anythings are pretty Hot.
• Even though I love Jane Austen something ridiculous, I think that I would've succumbed to talking smack about her and being a mean girl with the Bronte sisters.  I also think that Charlotte would've ended our friendship by saying, "dude you are TOO high maintenance." At this point, Jane would've seen through my facade of friendly overcompensation refusing to "take a turn around the park" with me and my boyfriend "Emerson" would've left me for Charlotte. Duh!
• Matching buttons with buttonholes is for overachievers.
• I don't think beef jerky is a survival food.
• I think that marble cake tastes confused.
• As bossy as I am I can never make up my mind. I look at deciding on what I want to eat as personal achievement.
• I have been known to scratch my boob/butt in public, when I think no one is looking. Above the clothes, above the clothes.
• Things I wish I kept in my purse at all times but don't: q-tips, duct tape, chapstick and hair thingies (pins, barrettes, bands).
• I exercise better when dressed for the occasion.
• I have decided I don't really like mushrooms as much as I thought I did. Maybe like 3 kinds are OK. Shh.
• My liberal usage of ellipsis is BAD, but nothing compared to the shame I have for my over and improper use of quotation marks. Someone send a copy editor to spank me now.
• Sometimes I still want to dance like no one's there. But I want to do it anywhere, like in the elevator or my cubicle or the corner waiting for the light to change. Exhibitionist or Impulsive?
• I am a recovering loud laugher.
• I'd rather wear cotton underwear than cute underwear.
• I've been known to sleep on top of things that aren't people. (Books, pens, remote controls, tissue boxes, knitting notions)
• Old people-lite trait: I love the smell of vicks vapo rub.
• The smell of halls eucalyptus and coffee smells like burnt out Jr. High school teachers.

That is all I'm sayin' ...