Sad Poem of the Crazy Lady

Today though an item was missing I wasn't worried.
On my way to work,
I hurried.
Incomplete but sure I was
My communication device upon desktop would buzz.

Alas! No! Woe is me, it is gone.
Once again my scattered brain has proven me wrong.

Sigh, Sniffle
Grunt and Snort.
My memory may not even qualify as short.

To cope, I pace and mutter and woe
To all those down the brightly lit row.
Again I test their patience at my outburst,
When it is only I to blame for what could be the worst.

Stop and think they say
To the petulant child,
Where last did you see it?
Can you remember?

I smiled.

For midday meal
I did delay,
Instead to run home and look where I prayed ...

Tis true! So happy!
The crazy lady alone dance!
For a moment I had some resemblance

Of normal.

After fussing, with what is the home,
I start tidying up, encouraged by my earlier find,
Hoping I'll find what also is mine.

I left home late returning to work.
Reminded again that I am a huge jerk.

The camera remains lost.

Summer Lovin' Shoppin' so Fast ...

We had a crazy bout of warm this weekend. In fact we've had some crazy weather in general. Rain for a few days, and sunny and warm like a summer special just a few days after. April has been hit or miss. It feels like Spring normally is in other parts of the world, not necessarily Northern California, Bay Area.

Well, when these bouts of warm come. I feel like I need a summer dress. I think because they are some of my favorite things to wear when they fit right. What's the best part of a summer dress? Well, you put it on over your head and bingo! You're done. Slap on some shoes run a brush over your teeth and tada. you're done.

And even if you don't feel "pretty" per se, you definitely feel like you are more together. I enjoy those moments.

In my struggle to compensate for how I feel and that I basically have a body that should theoretically try everything on. I enlisted El Diablo to cyber shop for a dress with me, and he approved of my $100 hoodie purchase so I basically listened. He said, "style cut and color" should be agreeable. So I chucked it in the basket.


Fat Girl Friday stretched another week after it's delivery and it sat there in it's pristine plastic bag. Finally on Sunday (another warm day AND i exercised so my esteem was doing a little better) I nerved up enough to try it on and it fit really well. The color is very flattering and El Diablo was right.

I bought a few more things, in stores that day. And most importantly when I came home, I went through my Spring/Summer box and donated at least 6 items from there. I also went through another drawer and gave away 2 pairs of pants.

Today reaching for a pair of black shoes, I realized, "I never reach for THOSE shoes." I will give those away too.

See giving justifies buying in my warped world.

Long Winded: Unorganized Mess & Personal Failure

Ugh. This is how I feel. Everything is off kilter today because I am unable to find my digital camera.

For those who might actually read this thing ... I previously lost the camera battery recharger before I was going to Hawaii. Because well I believe I put it in some super logical, central location that would make my life ... EASIER.

I discussed this with Shing. It is part of the ailment she suffers from as well. I suppose it's no surprise that friends who both speak fluent Tangent are both sort of scattered at random points in their lives.

Shing and I both love our grand moments of detail and method. She definitely keeps it together in my opinion. But she reminds me a little of myself. Things directly related to ourselves seem to suffer. I am constantly reminding her to either go home on time or to eat. It's ridiculous, because she loves to eat, and she is sensitive and cranky if she doesn't. Oh and she likes to go home too.

And me. I shuffle around my own stuff, letting everything take a turn on the important pedestal, and then forget where I rotated it to. Scatterbrained, disorganized, always missing something for every event.

I would be lying if I said this wasn't my M.O. since I was a tattertot. (My mom loves the story of me leaving for the Kindergarten bus and I forgot to wear underwear. Of course it was the ONE day I relenting to wearing a skirt so it's an amusing story I suppose). So you know my close friends and obviously my family sort of forgive me for my hole in the head behavior, regardless at how fixable the issue is.

So I could theoretically just ignore all self awareness and say, "Hey I'm keepin'it Real. This is who I am. Yo, deal with it!"

But I'm not like that (anymore). I'm more of a Dobby The House Elf. You know, like in Harry Potter 2: The Chamber of Secrets where Dobby basically starts hitting himself whenever he says anything wrong about his mean masters.

I love Harry Potter.

Anyways I have to think of my own little weasel wizard, The Kid. Whom I may say shows all the organized chaos of his parents combined. Meticulous and anal about random play. Control Freaky with his guests. Bouts of Freakish bookshelf order and then LEGO explosions and dirty boy panties all over the floor and closet door knob. Ick Nast.

Every morning this poor child watches me, and no matter how many things I have lined up at the door ready to go, or packed in my bag the night before inevitably we have to go through the checklist. (At least I'm not checking the stove constantly anymore)

Mom do you have your keys? your phone? Don't get locked out okay? Mom? Do you need your watch today? Do you have your wallet? Do you have your teeth (invisalign)? Did you put the in my bag?

So you see it has come to the point that being unable to find my camera, while I spent a lot of time looking for it has made me ... well, sad. I find it epitomizes my failure to be a good orderly person. Someone that would make a good worker, wife and friend and most importantly a mother. Cause I'm supposed to be guiding this kid. WTF am I teaching him? Be raised by a spazz, don't be a spazz.

Crap.

Hypocrite Mom. It's the name of my new band. We play a lot of dissonant sound, dude. Our jeans aren't skinny but our beat is TIGHT. We don't smoke dope to BE dope.

Wow

Small Steps

Quick Update:

Contacted Reupholsterer Man and scheduled on-site quote. (This is big girl grown up stuff y'all.) The quote is what I was expecting deep, but part of me was feeling hopeful that it would be maybe just a smidget left.

With the ManFriend's blessing for all his disgruntled, "why with that chair?" turning into "I get it, it's your knitting chair, it's your Jane Austen chair..." I can't give up on it you know? Oh and what kind of chair is it? It's a Channel Back. And you ask, What does it look like? Why here, lemme show you:



Next Steps: (And here man-friend laughs that I didn't just make Mike the Reupholsterer take it with him right then and there). But I realize that I need to decide if I'm going to look for my own fabric or just peruse Mike's selections. After a few days to think about it, and careful deliberation w/HM. I'm going to call Mike, simply b/c I'm too snaily to actually get it done in a timely fashion otherwise.

I also emailed out for a quote from another closer by, reputable reupholsterer and his quote was still more than Mike's.

I will make an appointment, keep an appointment, pick some fabric, and cut Welsh Upholstery a "wow I could get a new chair" check.

Lists of Stuff

I like to live my life in a constant state of contradiction, I like to look at pretty things even if I can't really manage to pretty anything myself. But I want you to see my plans.

1) Gonna make this, this summer at my MIL's (mother-in-law to the non-abbreivated friendly) house on one of her Sunday Lunches. Oooo Pretty, oooo tasty, oooo ...

http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/inspiration/too-pretty-to-eat-crudit-edible-centerpiece-114728

too pretty no?

2) Gonna buy this. I was worried about it's modern look, all vertebrae and metallic etc. However HM made a great point and that is that once filled, it'll just be books and it will go anywhere with anything. LOVE the example of it being a towel rack. Damn that's smart.

http://www.cb2.com/family.aspx?c=118&f=702

3) Gonna try and paint my hallway to look like this color - ish. No wall paper. But I like yellow. And we need to jazz it up (I sound like a granny, let it go friends and fans, let it go.)

http://hookedonhouses.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/photo-9-yellow-hallway.jpg

4) Gonna purge the house of stuff like, unused clothing, extra WHY IS MY HUSBAND SAVING YOU boxes, barely used possibly VERY loved toys and stuffed dusty animals, oddly shaped dishes that just keep returning to the kitchen.

5) Gonna replace my husband's end table that is currently an old CPU cabinet, with something that is actually agreeable to him as well as me, because I'm generous like that.

6) REALLY, for SERIOUS I'm going to get my beloved chair reupholstered. I will. I will, for reals.

7) And it stops with this, b/c 7 becomes some kind of Cosmo Cover Copy, "7 ways to improve your life this summer!" Okay back to it ... BUY THIS SOFA and TOUCH LOTS OF YARN, SCOTCH GUARD IT FROM THE FREAKISH MESSY MINIONS that I love and derive their messiness from me, but STILL GUARD IT! MUST PRESERVE things.


These things simply must be done, because The Kid, is not a Kid anymore, I can't play that "baby" card. And I'm always frakkin' busy, so, I can't play that card either. Also, these are things that really aren't that ambitious because ask any friend that is really a friend, I've been listing these puppies off for like 3 years. With the exception of the snazzy bookshelf.

Photos and Next K-Steps

I wish that I was better about posting pictures of things. But I'm not. I think that is mainly because I don't have things organized when I end up posting.

I also think that if I did actually post more pics, they still wouldn't be as nice as I'd like them to be, because I'm just not very artistic and good at photography.

However I am making a goal this weekend to post some W.I.P pics. Works in progress. For the three of you that read this it will bore you to tears because you already see this crap like everyday I drag my ziplocked knitting in. However I'm givin' a shout out to K-Step.

K-Step and I have been texting and talking at night here and there. Whispering sweet nothings of future rendezvous of window shopping, yarn stalking, tea and patterns. Knit-Alongs, Crochet-Alongs and story-alongs as well.

She's super busy, I'm busy, and welp, timing is everything. My heart yearns for her all the more. It's like wanting to see your boyfriend during Finals, well so I imagine ... when I refresh the database, it's a little slow loading those old and many records. HA!

That's Not What I Meant.

This happens to me a lot. I start off with good intentions, and then something sort of just ... well I just miss. Let's go with a list for time and sanity.

1. Trying to be helpful by offering to help at school functions and realizing that I have a lot of conditions that need to be accommodated to be helpful. So perhaps I'm not really that helpful.

2.Trying to be supportive of someone in their relationship and then constantly telling them "what you're like" and realizing it isn't really positive or constructive. Embarassing.

3. Thinking I can premake some potstickers and freeze them for later, but then realizing that I didnt mince the veggies so it won't fit properly in the dumpling. Then I decide I'll just make eggrolls instead, but then I realize I poured the semi hot veg onto raw meat and I don't want to kill anyone. Then deciding I'll just fry them up, and figure out the rest later, only to realize that i don't have enough oil to submerge my eggrolls. Well I don't want to have uncooked meat and kill anyone so I finish them off in the oven.

Then I realize, I like the lumpia wrappers better. Sigh.

4. Finding pretty "sparkly yarn" at the craft store and buying it. Finding Shimmery Shawl pattern for yarn and realizing I didn't buy enough yarn. Buying more yarn and knitting 1 ball and well ... that's not what I meant.

Oh well.

I think this list was supposed to be therapeutic. It's making me feel a little goatie instead.

smellicinations and fantasians

So I'm back at the salt mines and fighting for focus again. It was the hardest in my entire working career (old lady) to return to work. I was really enjoying the life of leisure.

Have to get The Man Friend on my early retirement plan i.e. lotto or second husband ;)

Today MiniMadness aka Shing and I realize we speak fluent Tangent and it is one of our good things we bond on. We don't hold back and try hard to be concise and get to the point. We dwaddle with the description and relate random points along the way. Sometimes she'll encourage me to get there, or I'll tell her she doesn't have to hurry and we just laugh. "I get it," and "It's Okay" are commonly interjected in our conversations.

I watched the rest of the work knitting circle try to track us today. And it was rough for them I felt bad. But not too bad, b/c secret languages are COOL. And when someone else speaks it, you don't feel like such a freak.

I've been hungry today, I brought hodge podge of leftovers for lunch, and you know, I just wasn't satisfied. I have ignored my yogurt and have just settled for water, since I know all other food ingesting would be purely academic, nothing would satisfy me like say:

cheesesteaks and crispy waffle cut french fries

tunafish with minced dill pickles on japanese rice crackers

popcorn with butter, nutritional yeast and either kosher salt or soy sauce.

a courtney's bacon tomato sammy

I swear I could smell bacon in the office at like 2pm today. And then I think someone was eating some kind of barbeque sauce that wasn't too sweet at 1pm. i know it wasn't too sweet.

nachos with carnitas or carne asada with guacamole no sour cream from pancho villa with a big ass lemon lime agua fresca

crispy romaine lettuce with blue cheese dressing and bacon bits and no i don't care if they are fake right now.

omg. feed me. i might pass out.

Mahalo!

It's still morning and The Kid is parked in front of Cartoon Network. I can smell the braincells frying along w/Mom's garlic.

ahhh.

We went for a morning walk again along the water. Mom hurried home to start second breakfast because my Hobbit child claimed that his cereal wasn't really breakfast but more of a "breakfast snack." bless him and his little protruding back ribs.

The Kid swung on the swings while I did Mary Lou Retton laps on the perimeter of the playground framing. Surprisingly harder to do in your 30s than in your ... well everything else that came before it.

Visiting Hawaii this trip has made me feel a little old. Tropical vacations do that to you, worried about too much sun, burning in places and ways you never did before, getting winded running back in flip flops from the water because Kid must pee ... NOW and we can't pee on the trees here, we're on base. On base they have "best yard" awards and stuff.

The main thing though is rest. It has been much harder for me to rejuvenate in terms of feeling ... rested in the morning. I have never been much for mornings. But I notice I still feel like I could go to bed earlier, wake up later. But there is always one more thing I want to do before I go to bed, or something I really should start instead of staying in bed.

Not to mention my roommate aka Mary Poppins Sunshine Barbie wakes me up every morning asking me "what do you want to do? can I eat something? are you ready?"

hahaha.

Part of me wants a pat on the back for being a light packer. Because even though I'm bringing home more stuff, which I anticipated, I have room. There were only two pieces of clothing we didn't wear. And we'd be fine if my parents didn't spoil grandson #1 with half the Lego store stock. We argued to ship back, but instead they are being pulled out of their boxes and he will carry it in a plastic bag. And, I may actually check my duffle ... I wish I would've packed my extra black duffle.

Well next holiday I will be a little better prepared. I can't wait for the next one.

Final Full Day

Jackson Packed! as Mom would say. (We think this is a strange bastardization of Action Packed and Action Jackson from the 80s?)

The Kid just wanted Cheerios and to go fishing. The wind was whipping like a mad pastry chef. I packed up my knitting and we went to the pier. I sat in the car, and barked out "caution orders" from the passenger window. "don't lean so far! watch it with the hook, keep the tip down when you reel it in!" etc. You get the idea.

After many snags and mutterings from my mother undoing hooks, they moved to the top point of the pier to have their bait and hooks taken. The winds were so strong, they were forcing parts on the back of my fisherpeople's heads. I had the door open to yell at them, but the wind rocking the car was making me motion sick. However we were treated to a lovely return of a Navy Ship. Lookin' somethin' like this:

Sailors all lined up at attention. You can wave like crazy, but they must remain still.

After fishing and waving we packed it up and went downtown to meet Dad at the Hale Koa for lunch in Waikiki. Mom's navigation skills were ... interesting. We will not be doing mother-daughter Amazing Race anytime soon. In fact, navigation is one of the things we seem to bicker about. I have a tendancy to bicker when one of us says, "I told you I was right." Even when the issue was say, the day before. We love pointing things out like this. Why can't I let it go? Because she's my mother, and depending on the day it overwhelmingly channels my inner, 7, 12, 15 and 20 year old.

Ahh family.

Mom is a riot though, you should've seen her w/The Kid "harvesting" mangos from the backyard. Sending him for help when she twisted her ankle in the "hole" in the ground. Did I mention she's accident prone? Even she was surprised by the incident taking place during, "daylight".

After lunch with Dad we drove and parked by the Zoo and went to go and swim at the walled off section of Waikiki, which The Kid loves. I wanted to go to the section closer to the main beach, but Mom and the Kid found it too crowded. Well, the water was clearer there, because the wall was not as enclosed as the other ones, so it was naturally being flushed. However I took the kid and we walked up and down both sections. We played, he swam, and I burned. Don't you know? Rosey decolletage is all the rage.

After that we went down to Ala Moana ... again, so I could harass the people at the Apple store and they told me what I didn't want to hear, but what I assumed. I really couldn't assess the issues until I got home. drat. That if I wanted to try and load things from another computer, I would probably have to sacrifice all of the things that are functioning currently on the ipod.

Sigh. oh apple, you're like that snobby kid at the liberal arts school that says, "it totally works, it's totally helpful and good for the world, as long as you do like i do where i do it." Cause ... I think that apple is selfish and makes synching and sharing much harder than it should be. Because I think, they are not as intuitive as they say. But! I stop on the haterade since I must give it more time.

Therefore, I will decide if I am drinking koolaid or gatorade by June, once I have tried to do a few more things.

Oh my god, I'm irrational about this. I am embarassed how much I have fretted over the ipod. I try to say it's all in The Kid's name, but the truth is ... it's brought about some kind of OCD disorder, of getting something right.

Okay well really my time in the Apple store was less than 10 mins. I wish I could say that is the minimal amount of time I've bitched about it.

I caught up with Them in Macy's. Mom was putting a bag on hold for my sister. (She got me the same bag, yellow, leather, fossil.) Originally she got her one in black, but kept looking at mine and was like oh black is so boring. Is it okay if I get her the same one. ha! Whatever Mom. Go for it. That's been her obsession all week -- exchanging Lukey's bag. I guess this behavior runs in the family.

The Kid has referred to us both as "Weirdos" more than once. We are gentle with it, since there is a bit of truth with the attitude he dishes, little punk.

We went to the bookstore to get Book Three of the Wimpy Kid series, since he's been tearing through them, and something else requiring a little less brain work for the kid on the way home. We got a Bakugan picture/comic book thing. I was sad because all knitting magazines sucked.

And then as I was pouting in line at the register, Vogue Knitting with a non granny cover sang to me. And irritability just shrank and shriveled like a little old man in the water.

Our last night home, I manned the grill, in my most girly way. I prepacked and we played a board game. I called my Man-friend, and told him I can't wait to see him. We had a good time, but he was definitely missed. We both admitted that we will both probably sleep much better when together.

I am sad to leave but happy to see my sweetheart and my friends. I think of Pearlcream and wonder is it disrespectful to think one of the first things I'm going to do is spend 2 weeks out here? I mean you know casting aside other important fantasy priorities like, paying off debt, buying sf property, buying sf craft condo, saving for college, donating to our public school, and european family vacations?

Do you think the PTA would circle the sharks if I won?

Vacations remind you, you can make things real, even if just part of it. I love that. This is the life as they say.