Regret

I'm wary of people that say they regret nothing. It's just so opposite of what and who I am. I regret so much. Then again it doesn't mean I haven't learned from my past. To me it acknowledges humility.

I could've handled that better.

I wish that person didn't feel that way.

I regret it turned out that way.

I wish I would've done something different.

Why did i say that???

I really thought I was doing/saying the best thing.

I have been trying to write my friend in London an email for 2 weeks now, telling her that I cannot make her wedding. Tell her that I am on testing duty for the Wednesday after her wedding. I had planned on taking a week originally.

I don't know what to do with the kid if I dont take him.

I don't really think I can afford to go with The Kid, or maybe even by myself. It is so expensive right now, just the flight alone.

Yet it tastes so much like regret I can't say just how much. I am so disappointed.

I've decided to not write the email, and see if I can maybe just for for 4 days. One day of recovery, one day for wedding and two days of travel. I may be off my head, but I feel like ... I should try harder. I feel like I'd be missing my sister's wedding -- who asked me to come, but said she would understand if I couldn't.

It all feels like regret.

Slow Stitches

The Medano Bag is so slow going. I feel like reaching 11 inches from base up is going to be like swimming 20 laps or 500 yards. It seem right around the corner until you get half way ...

And each time you get towards the turn, the lap counter waves a number still too low under the water...

That has been what it's been like for me when I pull out the measuring tape when I am checking the height of the bag.

I have not really done any uninterrupted knitting except for when I am right about to go to bed. Though I've been OK with it with the family, reading/watching t.v. or playing legos for an hour. However this time is constantly interrupted with help with the lights or reading outloud or dessert fetching.

Anyways I thought maybe I'm just really tired when I'm measuring and therefore my measuring is all wrong. Alas I check in the morning and I'm still short. Sigh.

I like this project, but GEEZ do I want to finish it. There are so many things to do! And I still need to finish that shawl!

Knitting in jello-like speed.

What's Happening In My Knitting World

I finally managed to pick up a pair of size 11 needles for my Ally. Which is good, since my grand plan of loaning her out mine went to poop after I realized I could only find 1 needle. (Hmm. need to add reclaimation of size 11 straight needles to the list)

I finished Shirley's baby blanket, got her address ... now I just need to get it to the mailbox. Exciting Times I know. I am slow with these things. It's hard to find time to go to the post office when I'm either en route somewhere with a kid, at work or the joint is closed. Don't Scoff!

I have not started another baby blanket because I feel like I can wait a few weeks before I return to the dark place. Maybe I'll do it after my 37th birthday when I can really have a good cry about how my quality of life window for breeding and potty training has passed. I can knit and crochet pastels while crying into my skeins over the lost smell of baby. ha! I think I've practiced too much for it to be an effective performance. I may have already peaked for that moment of melodrama.

I feel like I am really working hard on that Medano Beach Bag. I brought it into work and compared it to the other kids, it's much smaller compared to IPs but she pointed out she was using larger needles and not following the decrease. However it's much smaller than I remember HM's being as well. Oh well, I think it'll be cute in a mini-version. I'm more worried about actually having proper dimensions and construction than overall size.

I've decided that I'm going to pick up the Shimmery Shame Shawl afterwards. I think it'll make a nice gift for crazy soccer mom AKA the other ES. She's such a nice lady, and she could use some sparkle too.

Hello Camera! Hello New List!

Things are chugging a long. The swans are singing with the reclaimation of my camera. The chair was picked up today for a month out at the spa being "revitalized" ... in Paisely. HAHAHA

So I must think what else can I shift my focus on?

• Paperwork in the bedroom.
  
• Sorting/Chucking The Kid's school stack.
  
• Getting rid of excess clothing for the whole family. Thin it out, move it out.
  
• Measure Kitchen cabinets for curtains.
  
• Stop being so non confrontational and ask the building manager to fix the hutch cabinets in the livingroom.
  
• Get new shelves. (Now that I don't have to pay for a new camera ... this doesn't seem so whacky.)
  
• Update my life in photos: Kid, Family and Knitting.
  
• Paint at least the hallway
  
• Get kid to ride a bike where he's not terrified.
  
• Plan vacation without being a brat.
  

Not necessarily in that order.

Speaking of which -- tried to watch Hoarders the other night while I was knitting, but it got me all choked up and it was SO depressing that I had to switch between that and Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Yeah, well fictional murders are less sad than these real people's lives. Anyways, while watching I got off my fat ass and put the knitting needles down long enough to tidy up my nightstand and get rid of 3 pairs of shoes that are taking up space in my shoe rack.

Perhaps I should watch Hoarders more.

Update: Chaos Reduction Reduced

Meaning, I haven't really been reducing my chaos. On a good and proper note, I haven't increased the chaos ;)

Things aren't where I want them to be, but I am not forgetting that every bit counts. I am reminding myself, that even when The Lazy hits, there should be something productive I can do to return things to right, moving between rooms.

More good news!

Chair is being picked up on Monday for work.

The Beach bag is making inches, slow and steady but I only missed one day of knitting this weekend!

I found the camera!!!

I know! It's funny I went to see my parents this weekend and I was like, I bet I left it there. Because when I can't find things in my house, I usually left them there. The weird thing is I talk to them pretty regularly and they've never mentioned it. So, today after we were talking a bit I said, "Hey, did I leave my camera here?" And they said, "You sure did."

I'm happy. But it also goes to show how long its been since I've been over for a visit.

It was a nice visit for more than the camera. Really relaxed, but I won't lie...

Yay Camera!

Sustained Chaos Reduction

So this week, I am making an effort not to plop my ass down as soon as the lunch box is unpacked, dishes done and dinner started.

Mansfield Park may take longer to get through this time.

Which reminds me I just joined the Jane Austen Book Club Group on Ravelry.com. How mcKnerds is that?

-- They are reading Mansfield Park this month as well.

In my non plopping time, I'm immediately tackling junk mail. I'm finding something that get be removed/donated. I am doing things like picking up stuff of the floor that needs to go back to the right place and sweeping. I'm getting the kid to do his part for only a small manageable part and not bitching at him while we do it.

Today, I will shred for 30 mins. I will dust around the bed.

Then! I will plop on my ass and watch the Sharkies and knit! I think I will hold off on Mansfield Park a little bit, so I can see what chapter they are on, and if it was one where I was just like snooze city.

I'm glad to read it again and separate out the movie in my head.

Yay Knitting Knerds!

Pick it up Picky ...

So, I have bound off for the baby blanket and the shawl. Just a few ends to weave in, and I won't give myself too hard a time for that. I said, "Okay, let's focus on this cotton bag."

I prepped myself to pick up stitches. I watched multiple videos, I emailed HM for some cyber support, I read random tutorials on the interwebs. Really amazing what you can find out there. Most disappointing, bad angles/focused videos, with good narrative.

I count, once, twice three times, to make sure I'm picking up the proper number of stitches in the proper place. I have to pull things out and try again, but that's okay.

So I find myself in the home stretch for the other length of the bottom of the beach bag that needs to be done. However my stitches on this side aren't as neat. I spent all afternoon doing and redoing these stitches and having the wrong count, and thining out the plies on my cotton yarn. I brought it in today, and tried again a few times.

HM gave me some great advice, about thinking I need 2 stitches per color stripe. duh. And to consider picking up through one strand instead of 2. And, to consider my progress vertically as well as laterally when trying to account for 2 stitches per color. Just need to keep things even ... Wish me luck gang.

I think if I can't move on after this evening, I might cry.

Picking up stitches in some ways is easier than I thought it would be, and somewhat harder. I just have hit some messy stitches that require more time. I have to stop being a spazz and just finish it.

Knitting Book Reviews

So I am progressively finding ways and places to channel my knitting obsession, teaching other people, working it into dinner parties etc. So naturally, I like to peruse patterns, books and websites.

And I have to tell you hands down -- Knitting Book Reviews are the best no? Can you feel the knitters when you read them? Sheesh.

From the Vogue Knitting Shawls & Wraps book:

My wife is German and doesn't use the computer. She is also expert at knitting and crocheting. I buy a lot of books for her via Amazon. This one, she says, "stinks to high heaven" She had other words for it but I will not put them here. She thought the patterns
showed were not worth using; that the finished product would be fully out of style with what is being worn today by women.

C'est Magnifique!
I had this in my library queue for awhile, till it timed out. I'm keeping it on my personal wish list. I will not be deterred by this very supportive husband.

Vacation Vain

Okay, I'm going to admit, that I'm going to start like a brat from the get go. However as I am who I am. I feel completely justified.

I love to day dream. I love to day dream about travel. I love to think, if I had the opportunity, what would I do to get away.

And now in with a chance, with opportunity staring me down in my round brown face, I realize I'm a joke.

I think this is hitting me harder than I want to admit. I realize the reality, and yet, I'm awkward.

Logic is there, and personal contribution towards defeat is realized, and yet ... it is the same.

I realize that for me to utilize a 7 day off period of time. (For the first time in at least 3 -4 years) that it is not MY time. I have to share it with 2 other people. which is what I want! On the otherhand, I realize it will be me that has to do all the planning and all the fretting of what will come to fruition and that just damn sucks.

And in this moment I realize I am over it.

I am partially willing to play martyr and say, If I'm the only one to make an effort, I can forgoe my effort. Let it be.

And then I realize that it's my week off as well and geez, I'm screwing myself.

I can't think what is logical right now. I can't think about what would be best right now. All I know is I'm down to a finite amount of time where things won't be overpriced and illogical to go somewheres we can all enjoy equally.

(Because quite frankly, toasting weiners and smores for 5 days out of 7 isn't browning my marshmallow if you know what I mean.)

I'm tired.

What's worse than being tired?

Being tired and bitter. It's like being cold ... and wet.

I have to stop now for further detail later. The potential for this to get nasty is strong, like hurricane season in August on Miami.

Hmm, somewhere else we shouldn't go, that we haven't been, that we probably will never go.

Wow. Tastes like last night's walk of shame with no toothbrush.

What's in Progress?

I feel completion coming. It's right around the corner and if I might say, it's feelin' frakin' delicious. But that is the delight of anticipation isn't it? But this is even more fantastic, because I KNOW that things will come to fruition. Afterall I'm really in control here.

I have been rotating through 3 projects. The baby blanket, Sian's organic cotton shawl and I have started the Madrona Beach Bag. HM is doing it too, and making fast tracks, I figure I should Knit-Along as closely as I can, so I can ask her for help that is a fresh pattern in her mind. Her expertise and validation, is a key factor in my ability to fall into project paralysis.

I have put the Shimmery Shameful Shawl in hibernation mode. I'm almost done w/ball 2 and probably have 2 more balls to go on the skinny yarn. At least I feel comfortable with the pattern now. Besides, I'm not really sure where this thing will end up. I will finish this ball of yarn after one of these projects finishes up, but I think I will press on to something else.

I have crammed my free time into yarn. I have/had 3 yarn/knitting related social gatherings this week. I may possibly squeeze in another lunch. I brought some knitting to a retirement party. So worth the money to participate, just to be away from my cube a little longer and get a few rows in.

Our long hallway has two bags of balled yarn that still needs to be put away. I balled them at HM's house. I also have the hibernating shimmery shawl hanging out there, because I just haven't put it away, and partly because I'm not sure where to put it. I also have a bag with random leftover project yarn in my bedroom. I'm like a yarn hobo.

Guess I could really use that craft tower now eh? I still think it wouldn't be contained.

Donuts

I have been craving donuts the past 3 days.
I tried to make those canned cinnamon rolls, thinking it would suffice. However even after they were iced, I was over it. Sigh.
The thing is, I know once I got in the donut store, I'd buy three, b/c I would be unsure what I really wanted.
*a sprinkled
*a krueller (sp)
*an old fashioned
Then I would bite into one, and say, "meh" and be over it.
What's more powerful? The smell of the fried chicken? Or the smell of the hot fresh donut? Powerful stuff.

No tell me, Pancakes or Waffles? Get out of here with your French toast.

Glorious Yarn!!

How you know when someone has a problem ...

• They look at others with similar circumstances and say, "oh well, I'm not THAT bad."
  
• When they don't participate, "it's an exceptional moment."
  
• When in their "circumstances" they don't want to be intruded upon or talked to. In fact ... don't look at me. (*ahem, I mean them.)
  
• When they try to squish their stash into too small places, to reduce the "appearance" of said stash.
  
• When working multiple projects gives one the feel of "working through the stash" when productivity may still be questionable, or at least completion.
  
• When teaching each other stitches, and demonstrating samples, you try to push the stash yarn onto others, to share the wealth, and make others envy the softness of your hoard and justify future purchases. (lookin' at you k-step ... um and the mirror)
  
• When friends travel and line up Local Yarn Stores to visit, upon the advice of their bad influence friends and when friends discuss purchases abroad and proper methods of transfer. (*cough, shing, ms.pearlcream)
  
• When at work, thoughts turn to one of the current projects you're working on, and you must thrust your hands in your too large for the average person hand bag, to check on your project and "see how it's feeling."
  
• When you lay in bed unable to sleep, but you cannot do anymore, b/c your body physically aches.
  

Yes, I am aware this post feels familiar. Many people, have similar circumstances. It's okay to be a little ashamed. As long as it doesn't get in the way of the knitting and the yarn.

Realizations Come Lately

I found the Canon Battery Charger!

Get this! I found it while I was cleaning my bedroom, and said, hey really ... where is that other brown shoe? And I snuck a peak under the bed, and bent down a little lower, and moved out some man-friend shirt under there ... yay.

Ooops! Still no camera! But! there is hope -- which I know there are a million quotes out there, that could express sufficiently some recent optimism. Especially since I made the effort to tidy up my room and sure enough discovered the new hoodie on the trunk, under the knitting bag, just like colonel moutarde said in a previous post. HA!

My brilliant idea of putting a craft kit in the place of our ridiculous end table will not work. It is too narrow. I will have to measure to see if I can find a suitable "craft tower". But right now that sounds boringo.

I told Man-Friend about my May 15 deadline to find camera before I bought the new one. So he says not necessarily snidely, "So, you lose your camera, and then you buy another more expensive one? Is that how this works?"

And because he asked so nicely, I replied, "Yes."

Welp, today is, "Hey hope you're a responsible person that had a kid day and you contribute to the economy day." This day didn't mean much to me really, but slowly I have learned how to milk it, and make it mine.

Oh noodle house, oh homemade dinner, oh swim or local yarn store, which ones of you shall be mine ...

The Latest Addition to the Dream

I'm not talking about my nightmares either. I have had plenty of those these week. K-Step says I need to watch what I eat and drink more, so I can minimize my crazy.

So some other bastard won the Mega Millions Lottery. Which really disappoints. As El Diablo says, 7 Million is still small enough that you don't want anyone to know that you are a winner. 226 Million gives you some room to please others and yourself.

Anyways, I want a Craft Case. Technically a Bookcase, but! It will store bins of yarn and notions and important crafty things. And I can organize books and favorite magazines and patterns! yay me! It will be tall to the moulding. Ooooooo I can see it now. It can go where the hideous end table sits in our bedroom. The one where people put random pieces of clothing no one knows what to do with. I think that is also one of the places where the less than satisfactory Christmas presents go.

Ducks & Horses!

Ducks & Horses is my attempt to tone down the sailor talk. In my knitting mystery, the lady says, "Son of a Sailor." And I have whole-heartedly decided to incorporate that one into the vocab as well. Why? Cause it sounds good. Very Mysterious Benedict Society Sheesh.

The Room is swallowing things again! I was going to wear a pair of comfy dark brown shoes with my new brown skirt to work the other day. They are so comfy that even though they've got some heel, I can walk all around town in them. They are those Born, Mom shoes. I can only find one!

Then the next day I was going to wear a pair of light brown, open toed, cheap but comfy, "almost flats". Guess what? I could only find one ... again!

Snakes & Dogs!

Oh and my fancy hoodie, I thought I put it in the cardigan shelf. And yes, I do have half a shelf in my wardrobe dedicated to cardigans. Well ... it wasn't there! But I think this is under my knitting bag on the trunk. Now, if that sentence didn't reveal something to you about my "lifestyle" you are SILLY! drat!

I wanted to add a feature to my blog that lists posts by labels/categories. I was super excited because there seemed to be a feature within that allowed you to manually select WHICH labels to display in a list. Well my enthusiasm evaporated when I realized said feature doesn't work.

Maybe it's my browser? Ugh, I hate troubleshooting.

Blech!

The Kid made sad eyes to me in the bathroom while flattening his hair with his hands. (ooga ooga we know not brush is! Two rocks go boom!)"I wish I had Michael Jackson to listen to."

The Kid made sad eyes at me again when I was leaving his classroom and said, "Today is library day. We were supposed to have our books. We left mine at home ..."

Aww Crap man. I really don't feel like takin' this one for the team though. He hardly ever reads all of them, and I always say he should bring them in EARLY, when his Dad has the CAR, which is good for carrying heavy things, since he likes to check out 5 of the heaviest books in the library. Crap!

May 6, and still no sign of the camera.

Bonus, found yarn I forgot I had. AHHHH Love the stash.

WTF Sock Knitting

No, it's not the name of the hipster knitting class I'm going to take. I want to know what is up with sock knitting. I just really don't have any desire to take it upon myself. Even as a technical skill. I'd much rather learn Intarsia or Hard Core Sweater Making.

Now do I have a problem with Sock Knitters personally? Like do I log in anonymously to blogs or discussion groups and start spittin' some hate on their discussion boards? Why of course not.

However Sock Knitting brings me down. Much like some people get turned off of a conversation the minute someone starts prattling on about sports or a specific sport they don't like.

I love knitting blogs. I like the ones that are written by "professional knitters" that get their primary income in some way, shape or form related to knitting. i.e. designers, writers, shop keepers etc. I enjoy the ones from the online stores. I like the ones by the dabblers, they knit probably obsessively and maybe sell a pattern or two and spend a few too many hours on Ravelry.com, but alas to their dismay, Knitting is not allowed to be a full-time occupation.

What kills me is when they are flooded w/sock posts. Snoozeville.

Maybe I should liken it to this. I'm a Mom. I like my snarky, anime-morning haired kid. But! that doesn't mean I want to know every detail about YOUR snarky stained sleeve weasel, but I'm still going to end up telling you more about mine than you want to know regardless, even if accidentally.

I am so disappointed with the sock posts. I automatically take my surfing somewheres else.

However it is making me sad to be complaining like this. I must not be so hard on Sock Knitting. Afterall, baby patterns are infinitely more boring.

Latest Lessons

1. Appropriate Mourning Periods, and Suitable Points of Surrender.
I have decided to give myself until May 15th to find my digital camera before I launch into retail mode and buy the one I have been not so secretly coveting on Amazon.com the Canon S90.


2. My chocolate cookies made w/semi-sweet baker's chocolate is not sweet enough. My brownies made with unsweetened baker's chocolate is too sweet. And do not split batter into two squares because you do not have a long rectangle pan. And do not sprinkle w/additional mini chocolate chips and white chocolate, to make it look pretty. It won't look pretty at the end, and it will be too sweet. Embarrassing!

3.Paranoid possibly. Paranoia, is a reflection of my own insecurity and social uncomfort. Not just with new people, because I replay conversations in my mind with people I have known longer than a few years.

4. That even without my child, my ability to procrastinate is really amazing. I can be bewitched by Tween Movies on a beautiful Saturday Morning.

5. My Exercise and Sunshine tolerance is really low right now. I fell asleep yesterday during the Sharkies playoff game, upright in my beat-up chair. I swam and walked around in the sun w/the family. You would think week 3 at, weekly sustained exercise I wouldn't be so narcoleptic. Of course I ended up not going to bed until 11:30! loser.

6. Summer/Spring Refreshing Wine 2010. I skip the rose this year and return to Sauvignon Blanc, which is nice, b/c it goes with so much we spill into the cooking. And I have gotten granny enough to not blink when dropping ice cubes into a juice glass b/c "it's not cold enough." Can you say, "Wino?" Functional that is.

7. I like grampa jokes. And I will shamelessly slather them on any who pause long enough in my presence.

8. What's really annoying this week: Dinner Menu blockage. Why? Because there are things that must not go to waste that must be cooked. Because there are items that don't really go together in the fridge. Because when I'm blocked on the menu, I'm blocked on the shopping list. And that is a travesty for all.

9. I can never knit enough.

10. More Old Lady Comments coming from my ego confused mouth. I know I talk like a grampa and a bitch H.A.A.M. (hard ass asian mom) sometimes, but I also can prattle on about random happy things that really I probably should've outgrown over 10 years ago. But we were lunching at Monk's Kettle yesterday, and I got the window seat watching all the sunny, happy, hipsters walk by and I was surprised at how much make up everyone wore. How much hair product is coming back! Like wowzers, edgy and alternative to me always meant, "i don't give a lot of F*." which I likened to not trying so damn hard. Slacker? I guess that was then.

Anyhow! (PHew even I'm still working through the above paragraph.)

Lots of makeup. Like "can't kiss animals or babies" make up, "i can't afford to get a drink thrown in my face and still go home with this cad" make up. or "i'm not going to do anything that makes me unnecessarily sweat, which may or may not include going home with the cad or running away from said cad."

and really how much fun is that? ;)