I have been trying so hard to be nicer to my child. Does this mean I'm not disciplining him and just letting him roll around in a pile of his own filth? No.
It means I'm not barking at him every 5 minutes and reading him the riot act for doing or not doing things that are actually pretty common for a 9 year old. You know, leaving stuff on the floor, forgetting his flute, not unpacking his lunch, leaving his homework at school, making a mess when he eats, groaning when he has to go to bed, or wake up. The usual. The list makes me cringe.
It's hard. My desire for him to be better than us is going to make him neurotic and I am suffering from such bad anxiety and not showing him how to properly cope that I'm the one who is really at fault. I'm supposed to be the grown up.
Freaking out is just going to make an introvert like him shut down and withdraw more and then rage like southern hurricane. Same sh*t, different year.
Self-awareness is grand, but it's just lip service if I can't change things.
It's also hard for me to let go of something I feel right about. I'm trying to summarize things. I want him to just try hard, try harder.
I think this needs to apply to myself as well.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The truth about my knitting
I have fear of button bands.
Picked up Tea Leaves to work on the button bands with great dread. I did this cardigan in baby size and it was angry with me. The button bands I mean. It puckered. I took the Ravelry-ers (what is the proper term for the other fiber/yarn/knit/crochet nutters?) and picked up 1 for every two rows. This means I skipped every other slipped edge. I think it does not translate. I finished out 4 rows to see if I needed to rip it back. It's not the first time I've had to work something "simple" a million times to get it right.
It seemed okay. But instead of knitting under the influence of wine, I was knitting under the influence of the Olympics and fatigue and I can't say I was tracking my rows and stitch counts very well.
I'm on button band #2 (sans the button holes) and just kind of saying a garment prayer of please let this turn out because it's giving me anxiety.
Which leads me back to the truth about my knitting. I think there are times that my fear of screwing up delays my completion. I think there are times when my anxiety to complete something has me barrel through with errors. Often these errors are not fixed. It's like, fine, I cheated on my boyfriend just to ensure I'd end the relationship since I didn't have the stones to do it the right way. (Wow does that make any sense? Am I reading too much *celebrity smut?)
Knitting fears, life fears ... bah! I tell you I'm a ball of anxiety, a ball, people. People tell me I'm not enjoying life when I have these bouts, that I'm unable to be thankful for what I have. FIE I say. It's the complete opposite. It is because I care and value things so much more than I am capable of handling. I know what is it stake. I know how easily things can go wrong. I know I can lose a little or a lot and I'm not a very good loser, at least not on the inside.
Thank goodness there is yarn to keep my hands busy, and my mind a little calmer.
*Love Lainey Gossip. Love the celebrity smut. Does it make me a better person? No. But I like it. Forgive me friends, for I have DailyMailed too much...
Picked up Tea Leaves to work on the button bands with great dread. I did this cardigan in baby size and it was angry with me. The button bands I mean. It puckered. I took the Ravelry-ers (what is the proper term for the other fiber/yarn/knit/crochet nutters?) and picked up 1 for every two rows. This means I skipped every other slipped edge. I think it does not translate. I finished out 4 rows to see if I needed to rip it back. It's not the first time I've had to work something "simple" a million times to get it right.
It seemed okay. But instead of knitting under the influence of wine, I was knitting under the influence of the Olympics and fatigue and I can't say I was tracking my rows and stitch counts very well.
I'm on button band #2 (sans the button holes) and just kind of saying a garment prayer of please let this turn out because it's giving me anxiety.
Which leads me back to the truth about my knitting. I think there are times that my fear of screwing up delays my completion. I think there are times when my anxiety to complete something has me barrel through with errors. Often these errors are not fixed. It's like, fine, I cheated on my boyfriend just to ensure I'd end the relationship since I didn't have the stones to do it the right way. (Wow does that make any sense? Am I reading too much *celebrity smut?)
Knitting fears, life fears ... bah! I tell you I'm a ball of anxiety, a ball, people. People tell me I'm not enjoying life when I have these bouts, that I'm unable to be thankful for what I have. FIE I say. It's the complete opposite. It is because I care and value things so much more than I am capable of handling. I know what is it stake. I know how easily things can go wrong. I know I can lose a little or a lot and I'm not a very good loser, at least not on the inside.
Thank goodness there is yarn to keep my hands busy, and my mind a little calmer.
*Love Lainey Gossip. Love the celebrity smut. Does it make me a better person? No. But I like it. Forgive me friends, for I have DailyMailed too much...
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